Taking a rest.

Hi.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days. Most of it brings tears to my eyes... but some of it gives me hope.

From all that thinking I've decided it's probably best for everyone involved (and could potentially become involved - ie: baby) that I take this month/cycle off to allow my body (and mind) time to heal and recover from the loss. I assumed the bleeding was done when I stopped from the first batch of bleeding that started the day I found out I was pregnant. But, for the last 4 days, I've been spotting more. It actually leans more toward "light flow" than "spotting"... and, men look away now, has bits of crimson red in it. I am guessing this is my body shedding whatever is/was left in my uterus. With all that happening, I have no clue what actual cycle day I am on. I mean, I couldn't begin to guess. So, that's another reason I "rest" this cycle and just wait for the reset from Aunt Flo. At least that way I'll know where I stand. And, if I had to even stab at a guess, that probably won't happen for at least another 2 weeks... if not much longer. Pre-Clomid my cycles would near 60 days at times. So I don't know.

But. That being said... I am going all natural from here on. (BTW, men... feel free to look back now.) I can't help but wonder if the Clomid was a contributing factor to my miscarriage. I've read that Clomid can thin the lining of the uterus. And, unlike some women I've talked to on message boards, I didn't have any "off" months in between treatments. So not only did the Clomid block the estrogen that plumps up the lining, I never had a month off to allow the lining to increase before taking another round of Clomid.

My head spins if I think about it too much.

At any rate. Instead of the drugs, I'm taking herbal supplements. I went to GNC and the very nice lady (who also has gone through infertility and various miscarriages and treatments) recommended I try FertilityBlend. The link takes you to the website that tells you all about the various ingredients and their effect on the body... and how they maximize fertility for women (and men... since they have a blend for men, too!).

The most important thing is just remain positive and calm. I'm going to (attempt to!) take it easy... and try and relax. I've been so go-go-go about everything for so many months (almost a year) that I feel like my life has been almost put on hold. I'm not really saying this is a bad thing, but it's a stressful thing... and I need to remove that stress so I can return my body to a state of normalcy. I can't keep abusing my mind and body and expect it to work properly for me. I KNOW it knows how to make a beautiful baby... I see my daughter prove that every day. I just have to trust that it will do that again soon... but I have to show it some respect, too. And that is my only New Year's Resolution for 2011.

"No foot is so small...

... that it cannot leave an imprint on this earth."

Merry (belated) Christmas!

I had been wishing for a Christmas miracle before finding out the results of my last bloodwork. I had been spending almost every moment of my days in praying and hoping that everything would be okay... but when finding out everything wouldn't be okay, I then switched my thoughts to "How am I going to get through this?"

Losing a baby, even one that I only knew about for a few days, is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I've lost a parent... I've lost a grandmother that practically raised me... and, yes, all of that was so incredibly hard and painful. But to have a miscarriage... no words can explain that. I felt like, somehow, it was my fault... that I could have changed it somehow... that somehow... I could save that little tiny person inside me. I knew it wasn't my fault and that if it was going to happen that there was no real way to prevent it. I've read article after article about why these things happen, so I realize and accept it was nature's way of preventing something potentially awful from happening. And, if I have to find something positive in it, it was better that it happen very early than in my 2nd or 3rd trimester... or, even worse, once the baby was born. As hard as losing a pregnancy was... I cannot even begin to fathom the pain of losing a newborn. My heart breaks for women who have had to go through that nightmare.

But now... I realize I did get a Christmas miracle of sorts. Though my pregnancy ended before it barely began, I am not shattered as I feared I would be. I will remain strong... I will not give up hope that I will have a baby to hold in my arms soon... and watch grow into a beautiful person just like my 6 year old daughter, SJ. But, if it's not meant for me to be a mommy to anyone other than SJ, than that's ok, too. She's the light of my life... and I couldn't be happier with her than I am. Her and the Husband are my reasons for getting out of bed each morning.

So here's to a New Year around the corner... and a 2011 rainbow baby!

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain... there would be no rainbow." - Gilbert K. Chesterton

It's over.

More bloodwork today. My hCG was only 45... only gained 2 more "points" since Monday. And my progesterone dropped down to 2.4 from 17 post-ovulation.

Both of these paint a picture of "miscarriage."

So now I just wait until nature takes over and does whatever it does in this situation.

I'm devastated.

I'm crushed.

But, for my family... I have to remain hopeful that even though this time didn't work, next time just might.

Until then, though... I heal. Physically... spiritually... emotionally...

I pray for peace of heart.

Still positive.

My hCG level came back as 30 from Thursday's 48 hour later blood draw. That's not exactly a double in 48-72 hours... it's more like 82 hours. So I'm worried about that being off... but, I was (and still am!) happy the number increased. I go back tomorrow to have another blood test to see where the number is at then.

But, my tests are still coming back as positive... and, in fact, the test line is getting darker. And my bleeding has stopped as of Friday. All this is good, good, good news!

Here's the most recent two tests I took. The top being from yesterday morning... and the bottom being from today... which just so happens to be my 30th birthday. :)

It's definitely getting darker.

So now one of my main worries is that the baby itself is fine, but it's implanted in my tube.

I really need to just stop analyzing and thinking... and wait until I hear the results from the blood work tomorrow. That'll give me a much clearer picture than anything else has/can at this point.

Keep sending me those good, positive, sticky vibes!

... I'm still in the game, right?

I'm still taking HPT's to make sure they are getting darker... which is a good sign that my hCG is increasing... which is a good sign that the baby is ok.

Here is a (crappy) picture of the test I took this morning with FMU (first morning urine) and last night around 6pm. This morning is on the left... and last night on the right.

I also got a positive CBE Digital test this morning.

Keep praying... I'll know more later today.

Think positive. Be positive. Please remain positive.

Yesterday morning was one of the happiest days of my life. I woke up. Took a pregnancy test. Carried it downstairs to the laundry room to switch loads while it developed. Then looked at it.

It was positive.

Two lines. The control was really dark blue. And the test line was faint, but very visible. I didn't need to turn it just right in the light to see it. I could see it by just looking at it.

(Sorry about the awful photo... I don't have photo editing software on my laptop.)

After 10 months of trying to conceive (really, really trying), I almost couldn't believe my eyes.

For a few minutes, I debated on holding the news in and telling the husband later in some special sort of way. But I couldn't. I went upstairs, flipped the lights on in the bedroom and showed it to him.

Saying we were over the moon is an understatement.

I got dressed... went to work... shared my news... and began my day.

By 11am, I was spotting heavier. I had been spotting light brown for 2 days already... but it began to turn a bit pinker. I started to shake.

By 12:30, I could feel myself spotting more. I went to the bathroom. I wiped. It was red. I panicked.

I told my boss I was leaving because something wasn't right. I called my doctor's office on the way home, and they told me to come in to have my levels checked.

By this point, I'm crying so much I can barely breathe. I feel like someone has stolen my sunshine.

After having my blood taken, I came home and had to pass the next 3 hours before I could find out my initial hCG level. At 4pm I called back... my hCG level is 20. They tell me that's actually indicitive of 1-2 weeks... which is how long I've been "technically" pregnant... not counting the first 2 weeks before ovulation.

I actually speak to my doctor around 7:30pm when she's able to call me back. She tells me that bleeding is actually common in early pregnancy... and that it could be a couple different things causing it. She said they won't know anything until the 48-hour repeat on the hCG level... which is tomorrow around 1:30pm.

I didn't go to work today because I feel so utterly defeated. I keep going back and forth between trying to remain positive... and feeling like it's over. I have to remain positive, though. I have to. IT has to. The baby has to stay in there. Please.

I have been doing a ton of research on the web today as I stayed on the couch mostly. I came across something that has helped ease me more than anything else, I think... decidual bleeding. Apparently it's from a hormonal inbalance... and it causes the body to shed some of the uterine lining where the baby isn't attached. That will cause period-like bleeding, clots and some mild cramping. It's not a real period... just an inbalance of hormones. It usually doesn't cause harm to the pregnancy.

I'm praying that it's only that.

I also took another HPT tonight at 6:00pm. It was still positive... and, I think, a bit darker than yesterday morning's with first morning urine. I'm holding onto that being a good sign, too.

My cousin's friend had bleeding in her 2nd pregnancy early on. She went to the ER... and they even told her that it was a threatened miscarriage... and to prepare to lose the baby. Everything was fine, though... and baby Hunter is large and in charge, as my cousin assured me.

Universe... please let everything be okay tomorrow. Please let there still be a little baby growing inside of me... a healthy little baby that I'll be able to hold in my arms in August.

Please.

CD 21 Bloodwork Results!

Drumroll please...

*roll,roll,roll,roll*

17!!!

Lemme just tell ya'... I have never been so happy to hear the number 17 as I was yesterday when I called and got my results. I pretty much knew I had ovulated since I had that raging positive OPK. But I never imagined my level would be that high since I figured I was only 4, maybe 5, DPO on Sunday when I had my blood taken. So to see a 17... the highest it's been yet... just wow.

I don't want to count any chickens before they've hatched, but I feel really, really good about this cycle. I've had some "stuff" going on... like, lower back pain... crampiness... etc... But I'm trying to not read into it all too much because I don't want to be let down.

Here's to (hopefully!) getting a really awesome Christmas gift!

Happy birthday, Husband!

A nice, big, fat positive OPK!

Back to the drawing board.

CD4 here.

Sigh.

I've not given up yet.

Today is CD 37... and 15 DPO. I've taken a HPT yesterday and today... both negatives.

This cycle was pretty craptastic. My bloodwork showed that although I technically ovulated, it was either late... or lousy. My progesterone level was only 1.8... as opposed to last month's 14.7. *le sigh* Libby wants to keep me at the 100mg dosage for next cycle though. She said upping it really only increases the bad aspects/side effects... like a higher risk of an ectopic pregnancy, a chemical pregnancy, cysts, engorged ovaries... you know, all those things they warn you about when you take Clomid. It only ups the chances of those things happening. Granted, it also ups the chance of a strong ovulation, but she doesn't think the risks outweigh that right now seeing as how my 100mg worked so well the first time I took that much. So, we're going to go 100mg one more round... and then she said she'll "re-evaluate." Honestly, I expect her to refer me to a specialist if another round fails. Sure, there's a chance I could be pregnant right now and simply had a late implantation... and therefore a later + HPT, but I don't know. I just feel like I'm not pregnant and that Aunt Flo is right around the corner. I really hope I'm wrong, though. It's getting harder and harder to put me and the husband through this each month. And now she wants him to go have a SA (sperm analysis). I told him to wait until I get my next cycle though... that way we don't waste money on a test that turns out we didn't need.

When we started TTC earlier in the year, I never imagined it would take us this long. It's going on 10 months now... and I don't feel like we're any closer to an answer or a pregnancy. It seems like instead of making progress each month, we are sitting stagnant with no answers as to why this isn't working this time. With SJ it only took 3 months. Three. We started TTC her in September of 2003... and got pregnant with the cycle that started Nov. 26, 2003. (Funny I can still remember that, huh?) We didn't need Clomid... or expensive monitors and blood tests... or Mucinex... or Preseed... or a SA... I temped for 2 months... then quit doing that because I didn't feel like I could make sense of any of it. Then the month I didn't chart, I got pregnant.

Maybe I'm trying too hard. What ever happened to climbing into the back of your boyfriend's car and getting knocked up...?

I'm still here.

And still not pregnant.

I was laying low this last cycle because things were going smoothly. I almost didn't want to go into details because I was afraid I'd somehow jinx myself. But, since getting a new cycle this morning... I figure I'll explain now.

I up'd my dose to 100mg this last cycle after a non-responsive cycle on 50mgs of Clomid. I got a positive OPK almost like clockwork... and then confirmed that + OPK with CD 21 bloodwork... and progesterone levels of 14.7!

Then the waiting game was cruel this time around. I had cramping like I haven't had before... and was thinking it was implantation cramps. But, alas, nope. I've gotten - HPT's the last couple of days and now Aunt Flo this morning. So... yeah.

But I go into cycle #8 feeling a little bit more confident. I know the 100mg works... and that I'll more than likely ovulate again on it. So I feel like we're actually standing a chance.

Now I just take my Clomid days 3-7... and wait.

Round 2.

I just took my last 100 mg dose of Clomid Round #2. Now, in a few days, I begin my OPK adventures and hope to see 2 dark lines before CD 21's blood work. Here's to positive thinking!!

Hi from CD 4.

Good morning.

Sitting here on the couch after being on the front porch all morning... indulging in a little cafe mocha... and reading. It's perfect weather outside--hoodie weather! It was really relaxing to sit out there and listen to the birds chirp in the trees while swinging. The only thing missing is a hammock. :) But, if I had one of those, I'd probably quit my job.

Last night was the first night of Clomid round #2. Instead of the 50 mg I took with the first round, I took 100 mg last night. I also took it with a Bupap... which really seemed to help with the headaches I had with the first round. I'm really, really, REALLY hoping I don't suffer from the moody-depression-hopelessness I had last month with Clomid. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the rumor of "less side effects with the 100 mg" is true.

I'm not using my monitor this month. I decided it wasn't worth the high cost of the sticks. Sure, it's nice to see that peak reading... but, you know, seeing as how we're doing the OPK's and CD 21 blood work to confirm ovulation, I just can't see tossing out another $50 on test sticks. So this month, we're just using OPK's and temping to try and pin-point ovulation.

So now until CD 21, I just stick with the Clomid schedule... and keep hopeful.

:(

Negative.

Bring on Clomid cycle #2. 100mg this time.

:(

I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

Sitting at the park. Just had my blood drawn for hCG. I won't get the results back for another 4-5 hours. In the meantime... I'm letting my mind wonder.

Iono.

Hi from CD 27.

I could be either 9 DPO today... or 4 DPO... or none at all. No way to really tell this cycle. I've had positive OPK's, 2 peak days on my monitor, a slight shift of temps... but none at one day or point on my chart. So, couple that with my non-ovulatory blood work and nothing makes sense.

I took a HPT tonight. It was negative... which, any scenario above would made it so. But something came over me, and I couldn't control myself.

I have been cramping the last 2 days. They feel like PMS cramps. I thought for sure Aunt Flo had arrived today. I even went to the restroom at work... fully prepared to deal with her. But it wasn't her. Not even a little pink. Nada. Just crampy. But I'm taking that as a good sign. Any other time I've had those crampy feelings, I would start that same day. But still no sign of Aunt Flo. *fingers crossed that she stays away*

So yeah. I'll wait for at least another 9-10 days before I try and figure everything out (read as: obsess over every little detail).

On a happy note... HAPPY BIRTHDAY Miss SJ!! She turned 6 today!! :)

All hope is not lost!

Well, even though I did not appear to respond to the first round of Clomid... I did, however, get a + OPK this morning... as well as a PEAK reading on my monitor!!

So... here's to hoping I ovulate on my own tomorrow! Only temps will tell, I suppose... which have not really been as high as they have been in the luteal phase... which, since I didn't ovulate makes sense.

Stay tuned!

CD 21 :(

I got crosshairs this morning on my chart. According to it... I ovulated a couple of days ago.

I also had my blood drawn this morning for my serum progesterone test.

According to it... I didn't.

My level came back at 0.7.

So, broken-hearted, I went to my message boards to cry on the shoulder of fellow TTC'ers.

The general question that came up was, "Why did they test your levels so soon after ovulation?" Seems that most/all other girls have their levels checked around 7DPO or later. Me, just being 1-3 DPO today, my levels wouldn't be high at all... and would look like I hadn't O'd at all. They were all like, "Ask to re-test in a few days." And, "Don't rule out ovulation yet!"

So, my hope was basically shattered until they were all telling me that it's still very possible that I did actually ovulate. Esp. considering I had a temp. shift... and a positive OPK.

So, here's to BABY DUST and crossed fingers (and toes!) that I am pregnant this cycle.

Please let me be pregnant this cycle. I don't think I can handle 100mg of Clomid next cycle.

Maybe a fade in? I hope!

I think so!! This was the OPK that stared back at me this morning. Oh happy day!

Day after my doctor's appointment.

So yesterday I had my annual appointment. Nothing terribly exciting... unless you count sitting in the waiting room from 11:45am (my appt. was at noon) until 1:55pm... and then being the last person they call back for the day only to spend less than 15 minutes in the actual exam room (including exam time). Yeah, that was pretty unrighteous.

At any rate... when she (Libby) was doing my pap, she said that I seemed to have quite a bit of fertile CM (cervical mucous). So she said that was a good thing since ovulation usually occurs around that time... and that fertilization needs good quality CM to happen.

But I don't know... I'm not so sure about this whole ovulation thing now. I'm still only testing "high" on the CBEFM... and my OPK's were starting to get darker a couple of days ago... but now are practically as negative as they are before I even dip them in the pee. I'm wondering if I haven't already ovulated...? And maybe just missed it...? The monitor gave me a peak reading last month... but I sorta kinda screwed up what it thought it knew about me by adding Clomid to the mix this month... so we might be back to square one with it having to figure out my cycle all over again. The first month I got a bunch of highs with no peak, too.

I don't know. I know it's still early in the cycle... only CD 17 today. And I know a lot of people ovulate later than that while on Clomid. So I know it's still a good possibility so long as we stick to the every other day thing. But it's just frustrating and confusing trying to figure this all out and make some sense of it.

I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a little red-headed baby we named Alba. It was all so perfect. And she felt perfect in my arms. And smelled perfect. The entire dream just felt right... even though we hadn't told anyone we were pregnant yet and it was going to be a huge shocker to the entire family. But the "rightness" of how it felt has left me feeling a bit empty today when I woke up to find it was only a dream.

*le sigh*

Anyways. Off to a Baby Expo today... hoping to find lots of freebies to cheer me up. :)

CD 10 (AKA: CD 9)

Good afternoon to you. I shake you firmly by the hand.

So my monitor requested a test strip this morning... which I knew it would since it's CD 10 (or CD 9 according to it).

I wasn't expecting to see anything different... just the same ol' low reading I've been getting so far without a test stick inserted. But. I was wrong. To my surprise, I got a high reading.

Now, if you've been following along, you'll realize that it's really out of the ordinary for me to be getting a high reading this early in the game (even for the month the monitor was still "getting to know me"). CD 17 is the earliest I've ever gotten a high reading so far. So I'm feeling pretty darn good that the Clomid is actually doing what it's suppose to be doing... which is getting my O-Day here sooner... and, hopefully, get my follicles bigger... which, in turn, will have a better ovulation/egg.

And.. since today is CD 10 on CST (Clomid Standard Time)... the festivities begin tonight. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Keep those fingers (and toes!) crossed that this month is it!

CD 9... 2 days after Clomid.

So my ovaries didn't explode... but, lemme tell you... Clomid is making me insane.

I've had a headache on the right side of my head for 3 days. I've been very irritable. Snappy. Overheated. Irritable. Headaches. Irritable. Headaches.

Did I mention irritable?

And now I'm sick... thanks to the husband. He gave me his cold he had earlier in the week. So now I'm running a fever... and feel like my head's going to explode.

I took an OPK this morning... and it was very negative. And tomorrow my monitor will start requesting test strips again. So now I just wait and hope with all my might that I get pregnant this cycle. I really don't want to go through this again next cycle... that is assuming I do ovulate with 50 mg of Clomid. If not, we up it... which scares me because if I'm feeling this way with 50 mg, I can't imagine what I'll feel like on 100 mg.

*sigh*

So yeah. Off to be sickly on the couch.

1 down, 4 to go

Well. I took my first tablet of Clomid last night at 10pm. I was afraid it would make me sick or crazy or my ovary explode... but, nope. Nothing. I felt fine, aside from nerves, and feel fine this morning.

So yay! I really hope this is my month.

On the bright side...

Seeing as how I am not pregnant yet... I am free to spray paint my daughter's dresser pink to match her already overly pink bedroom.


Next on the list... repainting my studio turquoise.

Onward Clomid soldiers!

Hi from CD 2. I tried to make a post via iPhone yesterday, but (for whatever reason) it wouldn't let me. So, here I am on day 2.

As I somewhat expected, Aunt Flo arrived yesterday. I had some spotting late Wednesday night... very very light spotting... almost wasn't sure if it was spotting. But, it apparently was. Because by the time I had gotten to work yesterday morning, I was cramping pretty badly... and had fully started the next cycle by 10am.

Pretty depressing, yeah... since "the stars aligned" for the last cycle... and I felt pretty good about it all. But, after meeting with Libby and finding out that I might not have even really released an egg, it didn't sting as badly as past cycles have.

So I start my first round of Clomid tomorrow with CD 3. I'm a bit nervous about the potential side effects... ranging from the small moodiness and sore boobies to the big ones like the enlarged ovaries and cysts. I'm just putting faith in the bigger percentage of people that have no side effects at all. Guess we'll find out tomorrow night/Sunday morning.

Okay. Off to work.

Doc Appt. Update

Okay. So. I saw the Dr. today. Well, sorta. I saw the CNMW today, too. She did most of the counseling and the actual Dr. just kinda stuck his head in last minute to clarify a few things and answer a question I had forgotten to ask Libby, the midwife.

After going over my cycles and everything, she said that she thinks that I do ovulate... just late and kinda sporadic. She said it's hard to tell if an egg is actually released or not... because sometimes the OPK and such will be positive but no egg was actually released. The only way to know for sure is to do blood tests... and in order to draw blood when they need to, I need to ovulate regularly and have regular cycles.

So... you guessed it. Clomid.

I begin my first round with CD 3 of my nexy cycle... which, if I'm not pregnant right now, will be sometime mid-next week. (I took a HPT this morning and got a negative... which, I know it's still very possible to be pregnant since 11 DPO is still early in the game. So I'm still holding out hope that I'll get a positive HPT in the next couple of days and not need the Clomid. Admittedly, the side effects scare me if I think about them or analyze them too much.)

So my Clomid schedule looks like this:

CD 3 - 7: Clomid

CD's 10, 12, 14, 16 & 18: Sexin' it up!

CD 21: Blood Test (to see if I did actually ovulate)

Then at the bottom of my schedule it says:

If a period occurs at the end of the cycle then call the office for a refill to begin the next cycle (assuming the blood test reveals ovulation did occur). If period does not occur then call the office to arrange a blood pregnancy test.

Both Libby and Dr. F said that if I do ovulate with the 50mg they'll keep me at that for a couple/few months. However, if I don't ovulate on the 50mg that they'll up the dose to 100mg. If I ovulate with the 100mg, they'll keep me at that... if not, she said they typically refer the patient onto a fertility specialist to figure out why ovulation is not occuring with the 100mg dose. Neither Libby nor Dr. F like to go above the 100mg dose, apparently... and that's A-Ok with me as I've read some bad things about going above that dosage.

So.

That's that. I'll know more about where I'm headed in a few days. Stay tuned.

Hi2U from 7 DPO.

So I've somehow managed to NOT POAS (Pee On A Stick) yet. It's taken almost 6 months to learn that at 7 DPO (or earlier), even if I AM pregnant, will not give me a + HPT.

I'm trying to wait until at least Aug. 4th before I test with FMU (first morning urine). That'll be 11 DPO (which is still kinda-sorta early) and the morning before my infertility testing appointment. But, I might cave in and test as early as 9 DPO... but, just know now, I don't want to. I really want to try and wait this time. It would be nice to get that positive before my appointment.

I refuse to use Countdown to Pregnancy this cycle. I used it last cycle... and had thoroughly convinced myself that I was, in fact, pregnant... when I was not. So NO CTP this cycle. It places too much false hope in something that's already hard to swallow when you figure you're probably not pregnant and still get really upset when you see that - HPT.

So here's to holding out a few more days to test!

The stars have aligned!

Can you even believe what you're seeing? I almost couldn't.

Not only did I get my first peak reading since using my monitor, but I also got it the same day I got a seemingly positive OPK. I thought I'd gotten a positive yesterday while at work. I took an OPK first thing yesterday morning and noticed it was darker than it had been. So I decided to take one to work and take it mid-day to see if it was getting darker... which it was. So I took another one when I got home from work around 9:30pm. And it too was darker than the previous ones. So, I think, since this one in the photo isn't 110% positive, that I probably had the peak of the LH surge overnight. BUT. My monitor still caught my peak reading this morning! It's so good to see that little egg on that screen. I was beginning to think it wasn't possible. And, even more surprising... this was only CD 23 (*according to the monitor it's only CD 22, tho). Ovulation came a week earlier than I was expecting.

Which is fine since we'd BD'd day before yesterday when I started getting my high monitor readings (just in case) even though I didn't expect to see a positive OPK until almost CD 30 like last cycle.

This just goes to show how sporadic my cycle/body is, tho. I've ovulated as early as CD 16... and as late as CD 30... with some in between. I'm sure some people think I'm going to extremes with the testing and monitoring and such (I know the husband does at times)... but, with a cycle that makes as little sense as mine, how could I not do all I can to try and pinpoint ovulation? It's not as simple as tracking it once and going, "Ok, I ovulated on CD 15 my first cycle... so I'll just try and aim for that day from here on out." If I'd taken that route, I would have missed ovulation the following 2 cycles by 2 weeks. With O-Day changing every cycle, I have to stay on top of monitoring... or I'll never know what day is what and when to expect my next cycle, etc...

So I'm going to assume I will ovulate tomorrow or even maybe later today.

I have a doctor's appointment not this coming week but next week for infertility counseling with my OB-GYN. I'm really, really, really hoping I have to cancel that appointment because I'll have already found out that I'm pregnant and no longer need infertility counseling... but it might be too early as I'll only be 10 DPO (give or take a day). So, if I am pregnant with this cycle... and haven't gotten a BFP by then, maybe I can get him to give me a blood test on that day while I'm there.

Anyways. I have a yard that needs mowed. Thanks to all the rain (and a bad backache this past week), it's a bit outta shape.

Stay tuned!

*A bit of an explanation as to why the CD's are off from the monitor to FF. The monitor gives you a 6 hour window within which you test. Mine's at 7am. So I can test as early as 4am and as late as 10am. So on my actual CD 1 this past cycle, Aunt Flo showed up later in the day after my 6 hour window was over. So I had to wait until CD 2 to restart the monitor... which puts the monitor a day shorter than my actual CD of 23. :)

Le sigh.

Hi from CD 8.

You know, I'm probably going to run out of OPK's... and CBEFM test strips before I ovulate sometime around CD 30. (Which, that alone is majorly depressing to think that I have to wait another 22 days just to flippin' ovulate.) But I am so depressed about the whole situation... I don't even feel up to spending even more money on them. I feel like I'm wasting time... effort... and money. I realize this feeling will probably pass.

I probably no more had hit "publish post" on that last blog entry when Aunt Flo decided to show up.

And now I've started giving pregnant women "the glare."

(This glare is also given to women who come into work to buy pregnancy tests because I'm sure they are probably get BFP's.)

I've added yet another TTC method to my regimen... Mucinex 1200mg. I take one tablet at night along with my B6 and prenatal vitamins.

(Seeing as how I work in a pharmacy... it was really hard for me to not type "I take one tablet by mouth at bedtime." I'm a dork.)

Anyways. Whatever. I'm just jaded right now. This, too, shall pass.

PFZ: Pregnancy Fail Zone

I'm spotting.

Seeing as how I'm 13 DPO today, I highly doubt it's implantation bleeding.

And, seeing as how my temp dipped this morning... I figure I'll wake up to more than spotting tomorrow.

*sigh*

On to the next cycle... which really bums me out. And for more reasons than the obvious. Not only do I have to go through another cycle of temping... testing... charting... trying... etc... but my cycles are soooo long. This one was over 40 days. So, where most people get a nice 28-30 day cycle... I have to deal with my almost double-that 40+ day cycles.

*sigh again*

I don't mean to be a downer. I'm just, well, down.

Anyways. Going to bed. I'm exhausted after this long work week.

I'm a POASaholic.

Did you really think I'd be able to wait until 4th of July? I mean, really?

So the test I took today is a bit suspicious. I'm pretty sure it's an evap line, but I can't help but feel helpful. The line showed up around 10-15 after I dipped it... which is past the time they tell you to read the test. BUT. It was still plenty moist when the faint faint FAINT line showed up. So, my head tells me to read it as an evaporation line... but my heart wants to read it as a faint positive.

Here's a picture of it... with the colors inverted.

(Click photo to enlarge.)

That's 7 DPO right there.

So yeah. We'll see how that progresses over the next couple of days.

Can I get a whoop whoop?

Yeah, I'm pretty stoked.

So after my monitor decided that I was no longer fertile for the month on CD 25, despite not having a peak fertility reading NOR a + OPK, I continued to take OPK's each day because I had a suspicion that (perhaps) the stick used on CD 25 was a dud... and/or that, had the monitor kept requesting sticks beyond the 20 it had already used, I would have gotten a peak reading around CD 27 to CD 30. After all, I ovulated (I think!) on around CD 30 last cycle.

So on the late evening of CD 27 of this cycle, I took an OPK... and, drumroll please, got what looked like a positive lead-in. I say lead-in because, up to that point, I'd not gotten anything near that dark. Thinking I might miss the actual dark + OPK overnight, we did the deed. The next morning/afternoon, I got another darker OPK that was more + than -. So, on my chart, I marked both CD 27 & CD 28 as + OPK's. I'm sure that overnight between those two CD's I got a real, good + reading. I took another OPK in the evening of CD 28, and it was basically back down to no second line.

FF also interrupted my temps and marked CD 28 as my O-Day! This is the clearest cycle I've had so far... and it's exciting! And, our timing was perfect, too... with insemination at O - 1 day!

So today is 3 DPO. Unless I start in the meanwhile, I plan on testing on July 4th. That'll put me at 15 DPO. My luteal phase is almost perfect... being no less than 12 and no more than 14. So, if I haven't started by then, I think that'll be a good day to test because I'll actually be late. I also want to avoid that inevitable let-down of getting a negative HPT if I've tested too early. (Plus, I didn't get a good solid + with my daughter until CD 41. I got my very, very faint BFP on CD 39... but we waited two days to retest to make sure.)

Okay. So. Now we wait. :)

Oh, come on!

A low reading again? On the LAST day of my monitor asking for a test! I was really hoping for a peak reading this morning. I mean, it was my last test stick reading. But no. I popped the stick in the machine this morning... waited the 4-5 minutes or so for it to interrupt it... and then removed it to see a low reading.

So, what I was hoping would give me some insight into what's going on inside my body has only left me scratching my head even more.

I'm going to bed.

I'm high.

Well, it seemed like forever that I was getting nothing but low, low, low. Now... all I'm getting is high, high, high.

I got my first "high" reading on CD #17... which was 6/8/10. Well, today is CD #23... and still no "peak" reading. I have 2 more days that the monitor will request a test stick. I'm really hoping to get it within the next two days. I've already gone through a 2 month's supply of test sticks for just this month.

(CBEFM is suppose to only use 10 test sticks a month... making one box a 3 month supply. However, if the monitor doesn't detect a peak reading in the first 10 test sticks, it'll test 10 more. As far as I know, it does NOT exceed 20 sticks per month. But, still... one box is $40, give or take. I'm really hoping to get pregnant this month so I won't have to buy another box of test sticks. Well, that's not the only reason, of course. But that'd just be the icing on the cake if I got pregnant AND saved $40.)

So anways. That's my update. More when I get more to report.

All L's.

Hi.

This won't be long. I have a cold... and feel like crap.

I've been using the monitor since CD #1... and, so far, on CD #12, I am still testing at low fertility. I'm hoping tomorrow will be at least a high... but, I doubt it.

If I don't get a peak on this cycle... or, as I suspect, will get it late in the month, I'm going to contact my OB-GYN to see what he thinks I should/can do.

Anyways. That's my update. Going to bed now.

Ding dong.

It's 10:02pm on CD #42.

Aunt Flo just arrived.

Hmph.

Well, today is CD #42.

I know I didn't get pregnant this cycle. We've not BDed since the 1st of the month... and, had I actually ovulated around that time to have gotten pregnant, I would have gotten a + HPT by now... which, I naturally have not.

According to FF, the ovulated on CD #30 this cycle. 30. THIRTY. WTF?

It's so incredibly frustrating to have no clue what your body is doing.

Now I'm just wishing to start my next cycle already so I can start using my monitor. I figure that with using my monitor... temping... AND OPK's... I will almost have to figure out something solid and concrete. I never really got any definite ovulation prediction this cycle. The OPK's didn't go COMPLETELY positive... and the temps weren't a HUGE drop/jump. Maybe if I can cross-check over 3 different methods it'll give me a clearer picture of what's going on in there.

Blah.

I'm going to go run some errands. It looks like it might rain again... and I'd like to get them done before that happens.

Calling in the big dogs.

Look what came in the mail today! :)

I wish I had started today so that I could start playing with it tomorrow morning. I mean, don't get me wrong... I'd rather not start because it'd mean I was (most likely) pregnant. But, I pretty much know I'm not... since I don't think I ovulated until today or maybe even tomorrow. Which, brings me to my next point.

Look at these two most recent OPK's:

(No, I have not perfected my ability to travel into the future (yet). This one above, which is marked May 29th, 2010, should actually read May 9, 2010. I'm just too lazy to go back and edit it to the correct date. )

Okay. So. I know they are both technically negative. But. Hear me out. These are the closest ones I've gotten to a positive this cycle. I think, if I had gotten up in the middle of the night to take one, I'd have gotten a positive OPK last night in the wee-morning hours. I think these two were the "in" and "out" of a positive one.

So. I'm going to say I ovulated today.

(In all honesty, I have no clue what is going on with my body this cycle. It's all guesses.)

But it doesn't much matter. Husband is sick... and has been all weekend. So we won't be sexin' it up tonight.

But that's okay. I feel really positive having my new tools. I feel like I'll have a real handle of my cycle next time around... which, if my guess is right, should be showing up around May 24th-ish.

So that's what's wrong!

I ordered a fertility monitor this morning. I've taken two HPT's the last couple of days... both negative. And I just have this feeling that Aunt Flo is right around the corner. So I went ahead and bought my monitor. I hope that it'll arrive before she does... that way I can start using it for my next cycle. If it turns out I don't need it, I can always return it unopened.

But. In attempts on finding a good article about the monitor I bought (Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor!), I came across this one... clearly written by a non-English speaking person(s). Here's the best part in the entire article:

Not only this, a nutritious diet is needed for generating energy so that body processes keep moving in optimum levels. Use of artificial sprays by the women increases the probability of infertility in many women. For those women, who love the party and hip hop, it is the time to put a formal end to them.

... and here, all this time, I thought it was something else!

My head is swimming.

Okay. So. I've been temping every morning since CD 1 on April 11th. I temp between 7am (most mornings) and 8am. There's been a couple mornings that I've temped around 6:30am.

And I've been taking OPK's since CD 6. I take them in the morning... afternoon... and night. (What can I say? I'm a POAS-aholic... and I found an AMAZING deal where I got 75 OPK's and 25 HPT's for $25. You can't beat that with a stick.

All my OPK's have been negative. Some darker than others... but all negative.

I just assumed I didn't ovulate this cycle. My periods have never made sense. So it makes sense that I didn't ovulate... since I didn't get a positive OPK like I did last month.

But when I keyed in my temp this morning, FF said, according to the temp pattern, I ovulated on the 18th. Which, based on last month, would be about right. But, based on my OPK's, wouldn't be.

So I don't know. I guess it's possible that I could have missed my LH surge by not testing while I'm sleeping. I mean, if I last tested around 6pm... and didn't test again until 8am the following morning... would it be possible to miss the surge and therefore not get a positive OPK...?

Assuming that happened, and I did indeed ovulate on the 18th, then I get into the questions of "Would the sperm still be alive in there from the BD we did on the night of the 14th? I know that professionals say sperm can live 3 - 5 days... with 7 days being the most in supreme and ideal environments. But, taking the lower end of that and going with 3 days... we'd have just missed it by 1 day.

*le sigh*

But. Let's just say I did in fact ovulate on the 18th. Which means today is 6 DPO. And, let's also say that husband's swimmers lived for the middle number of 5 days... which would have put them in there when the egg made her appearance.

So. Maybe I have a chance, after all. I'll test on Mother's Day and see. That'll put me at 11 DPO.

*crosses fingers*

Womb status: Who knows?

I've cleaned all day. I've organized... I've sorted... I've swept... I've thrown out 3 bags of crap. As a result, my body is aching for a soothing shower and to crawl into bed.

In TTC news, I was sure I was going to ovulate around the same CD as last month, but it came and went without any temperature shift or + OPK. The OPK got a bit darker around CD 15... but it's not gotten that dark, dark line I need to call it +. Today is CD 22... and I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for a + OPK tomorrow.

If you've been following my blog, you'll know that we were aiming to get pregnant in March or April so that we could increase our chances of having a girl according to the Chinese Birth Chart... which, call my silly, I believe works. Well, I didn't get pregnant in March... but I still had a chance to get pregnant in April. It was cutting it close, but I was due to ovulate (if I mimicked last cycle's pattern) with a few days to spare. But, my body didn't do as it had last cycle... and, sitting on CD 22 on May 2nd, I still haven't ovulated. So, we're in "boy zone" from May through September.

So, knowing this... I've been doing some soul searching the last couple of weeks.

Maybe we're meant to have a boy.

Maybe, in the book of life, we're suppose to have precious daughter, SJ... and a baby Jack... not a baby Jillian.

I only wanted another girl because we "know" girls. We've been there before. We have stuff for a girl. We've raised SJ to almost 6 years old... knowing nothing but girl.

But I got to thinking. SJ's not a typical girl. She doesn't like baby dolls... or Barbies. She could care less if she's wearing a dress or a pair of jeans. She's not a girly-girl. She's more on the Tomboy side... like me. Who's to say if we had another daughter, that she'd be anything like that? She might be all drama and pink fluff. Which would put us out of our comfort zone just as much as a boy would.

Maybe it's not my place to pick and choose what we have... or to try and force it to be one way or the other. Maybe I'm just suppose to go with the flow... and let Mother Nature do what she intends to do.

So, with that... I turn it over to her. If I'm meant to have my Jillian, I trust that I'll have her... but, if not, I trust that I was suppose to have Jack instead... and that's A-OK with me. :)

Just a little update.

I have about 10 minutes before I gotta start getting ready for work. *le sigh* So I thought I'd take a few to update since it'd been a bit.

I added a link over there ----> that lets you "stalk my chart." Funny story about my adventures in temping... this morning, when the husband came to wake me up, I had already been somewhat awake for a few minutes. I had already rolled over and taken my temp... but was still holding onto the thermometer in my right hand. So in he strolls to get me up... and, as usual, I want no part of it. So he asks, "Are you going to get up now?" I mumbled out, "No." He asked again. I mumbled no again. So he proceeds to try and tickle me.

Little did he know I was wielding a secret weapon.

So I raise my right hand with my thermodagger ready to plunge. But instead of the threat I had hoped it would send, he only burst out in laughter.

Oh well.

In other news... today marks my "fertile window." So it's time to focus, troop!

Off to shower and get ready for my day...

Cycle day 1... again.

Well, my original plan of waiting to test until Saturday was a bust. I actually ended up testing from 8 dpo until this morning at 13 dpo... all being negative, of course, since Aunt Flo came to visit me at work today. Which I almost expected, really... I had seen a trace of blood yesterday, but I had hoped it was implantation bleeding. But when I started feeling really crampy around lunchtime today, I knew what to expect when I went to the restroom shortly after that.

So, in addition to the OPK's this month, I'm adding BBT charting as well. Also started taking baby aspirin (81 mg) and Vitamin B6 (50 mg). Even though I don't have a luteal phase defect (at least not to my knowledge) nor a clotting disorder, I figure it still can't hurt.

I have to admit, though, I'm bummed. Had I gotten pregnant with this past cycle, I would have been due on my birthday... which would have been neat. But, I am going to accept that it happens for a reason... and that everything has a time and place in the grand scheme of things. It's just tough waiting for it to tick around to that time occasionally.

OPK Adventures

Lately, I've peed on a lot of sticks.

(In all honesty, that's a lie. I don't actually pee on the stick. I pee in a cup... one very special cup used only for this purpose. Then I dip said stick into said cup... well, it's actually a mug. But whatev. I digress.)

So yeah. A lot. At least one OPK a day since basically CD 5 (which was March 18th, 2010). Most days, two tests even... because I worry about missing the LH surge.

But each day that passed, I kept getting negative results. Very negative results. The test line barely registered, in fact (see photo below for CD 13).

Then on CD 14, the test registered darker than it had so far this cycle. I got excited. It was still a negative, but it was starting to get darker. Maybe I was one of the women that had the lead in to a positive OPK.

So, Sunday morning while getting ready for work, I decided to test for my surge. I peed, dipped and continued to flat iron my hair as the test "developed." Without much thought (almost forgetting about it, in fact), I glanced down a couple minutes later to see a positive OPK! I grabbed it, ran into the bedroom (where Husband was still sleeping) and shouted for victory!

See?

(Sorry about the yellow on the positive OPK test tip... but, you know, it is what it is.)

SO.

Yeah. We took care of bizness. Now I just wait. I'm going to try and force myself to not take a HPT until at least April 10th... which will be approximately 12 DPO (since I figure I ovulated yesterday). I'd even like to wait until about April 13th, if I can, in case I didn't actually ovulate until today or even tomorrow... or later. But, if any of you have been or are TTC, you know just how impossible it is to wait to test. So, we'll see.

Anyways... here's spreading baby dust... .·:*¨¨*:·.

So far, I was right.

Well, as predicted in my previous post, Aunt Flo came to visit this morning. I noticed a very, very light bit yesterday... and assumed I'd wake up to it this morning. (It was actually around 4am when I got up to use the restroom, but whatev...)

So.

In about 4 - 5 days, I'll start taking the OPK's again... and see how long it takes me to ovulate.

Off to be lazy and feel like blargh...

Hhm.

I just had this thought... idea... epiphany... whatever you wanna call it.

Okay. So. All this time I've assumed I ovulate around day 11 - day 21 of my cycle... and just had a longer luteal phase.

But.

When I took my first and second LH test, they both came back looking particularly positive. Not the first one so much... but definitely the second one. See?

That was, as you can see, day #34.

So, let's assume my follicular phase is actually 34 days long... and, my luteal phase is the normal 12 - 16 day average.

If that's true... I'm actually NOT late. That would mean that my cycle is a 46 - 50 day long cycle. Which would mean I'm not actually due to start until around March 12 - March 16.

Which, if you're still following me... I'm not due to ovulate again until... *does math*... April 14 - April 18.

And, if I get pregnant during that time, the baby would be due the first week of January.

Seems like such a long way off...

Okay. Enough rambling and calculating. I'm going to bed. Here's to hoping my theory is wrong and that I wake up to my monthly (or month-and-a-halfly) visitor!

Where's Flo?

It's a weird thing, my body's sense of humor...

We wanted to wait until March to officially start TTC. That way I was 3 months "clean" off my old medicines... plus, we want a girl again... and, as silly as it sounds, I really trust the Chinese birth chart. (I've tested it against everyone I know, and it's never been wrong... it's crazy.) And, according to the Chinese birth chart, February with my age would have been a boy... but March and April will produce a girl.

(Disclaimer: We are not against having a boy. Once we're pregnant and would find out it is a boy, we will love him just as much as a girl. We only want another girl because we KNOW girls. We already have one... we already have what we need for one. So, if in several months down the road we find out we're toting a boy, don't go thinking our hopes and dreams have been crushed... because they wouldn't be. Not even a little.)

Anyways.

Back to the weird sense of humor my body has...

So yeah. I've had a regular cycle for months. A bit longer than the typical 28 days, of course... but regular. But as soon as March kicked in... my cycle kicked out. I even tried drinking some parsley and ginger tea to get it going... but, nope... nada.

So... I wait again. *le sigh*

LH Testing has begun!

Yup, I'm still alive. :) Work keeps me busy, busy, busy.

So I bought some LH (ovulation) tests... and some HPT's. I started LH testing the other day... so that I can get a good grip on how it all works. I'm still waiting on the beginning of my next cycle... so, once that begins, I'll hold off on the LH tests until after it stops... but here are my first three tests (and one HPT - see reason below) I've taken thus far.

Okay. So that's my tests. Being totally new to LH tests, as I didn't use them with SJ, I kinda freaked out when I saw two lines on the first one. I thought that you only got 2 when you were ovulating. So, being on day #33... and pretty much knowing I wasn't ovulating, yeeeeeah... freaked out. I immediately hopped on the computer and looked up LH tests... and got on a few message boards to ask about them. A few girls told me how they worked... but (here's the story of the HPT) suggested I take a HPT because OPK's can be used as pregnancy tests. But, as you can see, I am not pregnant... and I am not ovulating as the test line is not as dark or darker than the control line.

So yeah. That's my update for now. :)

Hi.

Long time no see.

The latter half of 2009 was a wild ride. Lots of things happened... none of which I really want to elaborate on. Let's just say I'm really, really glad to have it all behind me.

I'm now working full-time as a pharmacy technician in a local pharmacy here. I love my job. It's long hours... and hard days... but I wouldn't change it. I feel important for once... and that I have a career and not just a job. I feel like what I do is worthwhile. And I like having money to spend. :)

I'm done with school, of course. Talk about a big relief. I'm so glad that's all over with.

Let's see. What else...

As of late, I'm finding my spirituality again. For so long I'd forgotten it... and pushed it on the back burner for when I "had time" for it. I realize now I need that part of my life more than anything. It's really helping me stay grounded and feel good.

I'm off all my medications with the exception of my stomach medication. I need it for as long as I am able to take it. I'm now managing my bipolar II disorder with natural vitamins like fish oil, B-Complex and vitamin C. It's made a big difference, honestly. I'm feeling more like myself again... minus the disorder symptoms, of course. But I feel more in touch with the person that I was creatively speaking. I'm finding myself being drawn to my old hobbies again, too. I think I've found the way I should have been taking care of myself all along.

As far as the TTC goes... after being put on hold for a few months, I think we're getting the green light to go. SO. Stay tuned for those adventures. :)

So yeah. Happy New Year!