"No foot is so small...

... that it cannot leave an imprint on this earth."

Merry (belated) Christmas!

I had been wishing for a Christmas miracle before finding out the results of my last bloodwork. I had been spending almost every moment of my days in praying and hoping that everything would be okay... but when finding out everything wouldn't be okay, I then switched my thoughts to "How am I going to get through this?"

Losing a baby, even one that I only knew about for a few days, is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I've lost a parent... I've lost a grandmother that practically raised me... and, yes, all of that was so incredibly hard and painful. But to have a miscarriage... no words can explain that. I felt like, somehow, it was my fault... that I could have changed it somehow... that somehow... I could save that little tiny person inside me. I knew it wasn't my fault and that if it was going to happen that there was no real way to prevent it. I've read article after article about why these things happen, so I realize and accept it was nature's way of preventing something potentially awful from happening. And, if I have to find something positive in it, it was better that it happen very early than in my 2nd or 3rd trimester... or, even worse, once the baby was born. As hard as losing a pregnancy was... I cannot even begin to fathom the pain of losing a newborn. My heart breaks for women who have had to go through that nightmare.

But now... I realize I did get a Christmas miracle of sorts. Though my pregnancy ended before it barely began, I am not shattered as I feared I would be. I will remain strong... I will not give up hope that I will have a baby to hold in my arms soon... and watch grow into a beautiful person just like my 6 year old daughter, SJ. But, if it's not meant for me to be a mommy to anyone other than SJ, than that's ok, too. She's the light of my life... and I couldn't be happier with her than I am. Her and the Husband are my reasons for getting out of bed each morning.

So here's to a New Year around the corner... and a 2011 rainbow baby!

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain... there would be no rainbow." - Gilbert K. Chesterton