Taking a rest.

Hi.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days. Most of it brings tears to my eyes... but some of it gives me hope.

From all that thinking I've decided it's probably best for everyone involved (and could potentially become involved - ie: baby) that I take this month/cycle off to allow my body (and mind) time to heal and recover from the loss. I assumed the bleeding was done when I stopped from the first batch of bleeding that started the day I found out I was pregnant. But, for the last 4 days, I've been spotting more. It actually leans more toward "light flow" than "spotting"... and, men look away now, has bits of crimson red in it. I am guessing this is my body shedding whatever is/was left in my uterus. With all that happening, I have no clue what actual cycle day I am on. I mean, I couldn't begin to guess. So, that's another reason I "rest" this cycle and just wait for the reset from Aunt Flo. At least that way I'll know where I stand. And, if I had to even stab at a guess, that probably won't happen for at least another 2 weeks... if not much longer. Pre-Clomid my cycles would near 60 days at times. So I don't know.

But. That being said... I am going all natural from here on. (BTW, men... feel free to look back now.) I can't help but wonder if the Clomid was a contributing factor to my miscarriage. I've read that Clomid can thin the lining of the uterus. And, unlike some women I've talked to on message boards, I didn't have any "off" months in between treatments. So not only did the Clomid block the estrogen that plumps up the lining, I never had a month off to allow the lining to increase before taking another round of Clomid.

My head spins if I think about it too much.

At any rate. Instead of the drugs, I'm taking herbal supplements. I went to GNC and the very nice lady (who also has gone through infertility and various miscarriages and treatments) recommended I try FertilityBlend. The link takes you to the website that tells you all about the various ingredients and their effect on the body... and how they maximize fertility for women (and men... since they have a blend for men, too!).

The most important thing is just remain positive and calm. I'm going to (attempt to!) take it easy... and try and relax. I've been so go-go-go about everything for so many months (almost a year) that I feel like my life has been almost put on hold. I'm not really saying this is a bad thing, but it's a stressful thing... and I need to remove that stress so I can return my body to a state of normalcy. I can't keep abusing my mind and body and expect it to work properly for me. I KNOW it knows how to make a beautiful baby... I see my daughter prove that every day. I just have to trust that it will do that again soon... but I have to show it some respect, too. And that is my only New Year's Resolution for 2011.

"No foot is so small...

... that it cannot leave an imprint on this earth."

Merry (belated) Christmas!

I had been wishing for a Christmas miracle before finding out the results of my last bloodwork. I had been spending almost every moment of my days in praying and hoping that everything would be okay... but when finding out everything wouldn't be okay, I then switched my thoughts to "How am I going to get through this?"

Losing a baby, even one that I only knew about for a few days, is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I've lost a parent... I've lost a grandmother that practically raised me... and, yes, all of that was so incredibly hard and painful. But to have a miscarriage... no words can explain that. I felt like, somehow, it was my fault... that I could have changed it somehow... that somehow... I could save that little tiny person inside me. I knew it wasn't my fault and that if it was going to happen that there was no real way to prevent it. I've read article after article about why these things happen, so I realize and accept it was nature's way of preventing something potentially awful from happening. And, if I have to find something positive in it, it was better that it happen very early than in my 2nd or 3rd trimester... or, even worse, once the baby was born. As hard as losing a pregnancy was... I cannot even begin to fathom the pain of losing a newborn. My heart breaks for women who have had to go through that nightmare.

But now... I realize I did get a Christmas miracle of sorts. Though my pregnancy ended before it barely began, I am not shattered as I feared I would be. I will remain strong... I will not give up hope that I will have a baby to hold in my arms soon... and watch grow into a beautiful person just like my 6 year old daughter, SJ. But, if it's not meant for me to be a mommy to anyone other than SJ, than that's ok, too. She's the light of my life... and I couldn't be happier with her than I am. Her and the Husband are my reasons for getting out of bed each morning.

So here's to a New Year around the corner... and a 2011 rainbow baby!

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain... there would be no rainbow." - Gilbert K. Chesterton

It's over.

More bloodwork today. My hCG was only 45... only gained 2 more "points" since Monday. And my progesterone dropped down to 2.4 from 17 post-ovulation.

Both of these paint a picture of "miscarriage."

So now I just wait until nature takes over and does whatever it does in this situation.

I'm devastated.

I'm crushed.

But, for my family... I have to remain hopeful that even though this time didn't work, next time just might.

Until then, though... I heal. Physically... spiritually... emotionally...

I pray for peace of heart.

Still positive.

My hCG level came back as 30 from Thursday's 48 hour later blood draw. That's not exactly a double in 48-72 hours... it's more like 82 hours. So I'm worried about that being off... but, I was (and still am!) happy the number increased. I go back tomorrow to have another blood test to see where the number is at then.

But, my tests are still coming back as positive... and, in fact, the test line is getting darker. And my bleeding has stopped as of Friday. All this is good, good, good news!

Here's the most recent two tests I took. The top being from yesterday morning... and the bottom being from today... which just so happens to be my 30th birthday. :)

It's definitely getting darker.

So now one of my main worries is that the baby itself is fine, but it's implanted in my tube.

I really need to just stop analyzing and thinking... and wait until I hear the results from the blood work tomorrow. That'll give me a much clearer picture than anything else has/can at this point.

Keep sending me those good, positive, sticky vibes!

... I'm still in the game, right?

I'm still taking HPT's to make sure they are getting darker... which is a good sign that my hCG is increasing... which is a good sign that the baby is ok.

Here is a (crappy) picture of the test I took this morning with FMU (first morning urine) and last night around 6pm. This morning is on the left... and last night on the right.

I also got a positive CBE Digital test this morning.

Keep praying... I'll know more later today.

Think positive. Be positive. Please remain positive.

Yesterday morning was one of the happiest days of my life. I woke up. Took a pregnancy test. Carried it downstairs to the laundry room to switch loads while it developed. Then looked at it.

It was positive.

Two lines. The control was really dark blue. And the test line was faint, but very visible. I didn't need to turn it just right in the light to see it. I could see it by just looking at it.

(Sorry about the awful photo... I don't have photo editing software on my laptop.)

After 10 months of trying to conceive (really, really trying), I almost couldn't believe my eyes.

For a few minutes, I debated on holding the news in and telling the husband later in some special sort of way. But I couldn't. I went upstairs, flipped the lights on in the bedroom and showed it to him.

Saying we were over the moon is an understatement.

I got dressed... went to work... shared my news... and began my day.

By 11am, I was spotting heavier. I had been spotting light brown for 2 days already... but it began to turn a bit pinker. I started to shake.

By 12:30, I could feel myself spotting more. I went to the bathroom. I wiped. It was red. I panicked.

I told my boss I was leaving because something wasn't right. I called my doctor's office on the way home, and they told me to come in to have my levels checked.

By this point, I'm crying so much I can barely breathe. I feel like someone has stolen my sunshine.

After having my blood taken, I came home and had to pass the next 3 hours before I could find out my initial hCG level. At 4pm I called back... my hCG level is 20. They tell me that's actually indicitive of 1-2 weeks... which is how long I've been "technically" pregnant... not counting the first 2 weeks before ovulation.

I actually speak to my doctor around 7:30pm when she's able to call me back. She tells me that bleeding is actually common in early pregnancy... and that it could be a couple different things causing it. She said they won't know anything until the 48-hour repeat on the hCG level... which is tomorrow around 1:30pm.

I didn't go to work today because I feel so utterly defeated. I keep going back and forth between trying to remain positive... and feeling like it's over. I have to remain positive, though. I have to. IT has to. The baby has to stay in there. Please.

I have been doing a ton of research on the web today as I stayed on the couch mostly. I came across something that has helped ease me more than anything else, I think... decidual bleeding. Apparently it's from a hormonal inbalance... and it causes the body to shed some of the uterine lining where the baby isn't attached. That will cause period-like bleeding, clots and some mild cramping. It's not a real period... just an inbalance of hormones. It usually doesn't cause harm to the pregnancy.

I'm praying that it's only that.

I also took another HPT tonight at 6:00pm. It was still positive... and, I think, a bit darker than yesterday morning's with first morning urine. I'm holding onto that being a good sign, too.

My cousin's friend had bleeding in her 2nd pregnancy early on. She went to the ER... and they even told her that it was a threatened miscarriage... and to prepare to lose the baby. Everything was fine, though... and baby Hunter is large and in charge, as my cousin assured me.

Universe... please let everything be okay tomorrow. Please let there still be a little baby growing inside of me... a healthy little baby that I'll be able to hold in my arms in August.

Please.

CD 21 Bloodwork Results!

Drumroll please...

*roll,roll,roll,roll*

17!!!

Lemme just tell ya'... I have never been so happy to hear the number 17 as I was yesterday when I called and got my results. I pretty much knew I had ovulated since I had that raging positive OPK. But I never imagined my level would be that high since I figured I was only 4, maybe 5, DPO on Sunday when I had my blood taken. So to see a 17... the highest it's been yet... just wow.

I don't want to count any chickens before they've hatched, but I feel really, really good about this cycle. I've had some "stuff" going on... like, lower back pain... crampiness... etc... But I'm trying to not read into it all too much because I don't want to be let down.

Here's to (hopefully!) getting a really awesome Christmas gift!