CD WTF?

It's technically CD 37. But as each day passes lately, it's more like WTF...?

No sign of Aunt Flo... no sign of pregnancy... no sign of ovulation, really. NO SIGNS at ALL.

Instead of seeing a hint of what's going on, tho... I DO see pregnant women everywhere I look. At work. Contacts online. Facebook friends. Everywhere I look I see big, swollen bellies. Or fresh pink babies.

And, if all this infertility crap isn't enough to stress me out, work is making me insane. I feel like so much of my life is wasted at a job that won't make any difference to anyone. I feel like instead of an important part of the team, I'm only a convenience. It's convenient to have me there when no one else wants to work Friday nights. Every. Single. Friday. Night. It's a convenience to have me there because I can run the register while the important people do data entry... or overstocks & outdates. It's convenient to have me there... but not vital. But, dammit, that leaves me feeling pretty awful. I don't feel important. I don't feel needed. I don't feel like I make any difference. And this leaves me lacking motivation. This leaves me dreading going to work and, once I'm there, watching every single minute tick by. As those minutes crawl away, I long to be somewhere else... at home writing... spending real important time with my daughter... with my husband. I feel like I'm wasting my life being someone's convenience when I should be using that precious time being important to someone.

*le sigh*

Anyways. Back to my body. No clue what's going on. Maybe it's just my body's way of adjusting to my new medicine. My family practitioner did some bloodwork and put me on Sythroid. It's the lowest dose to start with... and, hopefully, that's the missing key. Once my next cycle starts, I'm going to do ONE MORE round of Clomid now that my body's healed and my uterus has repaired itself. So that's where I'm at now.

Blah.

A low day.

CD 12. No sign of ovulating anytime soon. The monitor is trucking along with only low readings so far. Today was test stick day #7. No CM really, either. I think this will take awhile this month. I just hope it's not a really long cycle like I've been known to have (ie: more than 40 days long...).

I'm feeling very low at the moment emotionally, too. Everyone's pregnant or getting pregnant. I work in a pharmacy... and every single day I'm there, I see at least 1 or 6 pregnant women. One regular customer even came in last week to announce she's pregnant... only so she'd get her medical card back. And... to make it worse... "it didn't take that long at all!" I wanted to sneek off to slice my wrists in the bathroom. (Not seriously... but you get the picture.)

I just feel so empty. I see all those swollen pregnant bellies... and feel so lonely. I look down at my flat (empty) belly... and feel tears swell in my eyes. At night I hold my belly and feel an ache in my heart. I miss the baby I never got to know... and I long to feel another baby move in my belly.

I'm trying to remain strong... but it's getting so hard. When will it be my turn (for real)...?

CD 2... finally.

I never thought I'd be so glad to see Aunt Flo arrive as I was yesterday.

I had really given up any hope that "things" would ever return to normal. (Yeah, that's being overly dramatic. I mean, I KNEW they'd EVENTUALLY go back to normal... whatever that is.) But yesterday proved me wrong. She came. And she was/is large and in-charge.

And kicking my butt.

I hurt in places I didn't even know I had.

But, that's okay. This is necessary to cleanse my body and get it prepared for full-on baby making this month.

This month I'm using my monitor. I haven't decided if I'm doing the OPK's this month or not. I'm leaning towards no... and just the monitor and perhaps temping. We'll see. But no Clomid. No bloodwork out the ying-yang. No 10-12-14-16-18 day schedule. Just going with the flow.

Let's rock.

Happy New Year!

And baby dust to all who need it to make 2011 your (and my!) year!