Taking a rest.

Hi.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days. Most of it brings tears to my eyes... but some of it gives me hope.

From all that thinking I've decided it's probably best for everyone involved (and could potentially become involved - ie: baby) that I take this month/cycle off to allow my body (and mind) time to heal and recover from the loss. I assumed the bleeding was done when I stopped from the first batch of bleeding that started the day I found out I was pregnant. But, for the last 4 days, I've been spotting more. It actually leans more toward "light flow" than "spotting"... and, men look away now, has bits of crimson red in it. I am guessing this is my body shedding whatever is/was left in my uterus. With all that happening, I have no clue what actual cycle day I am on. I mean, I couldn't begin to guess. So, that's another reason I "rest" this cycle and just wait for the reset from Aunt Flo. At least that way I'll know where I stand. And, if I had to even stab at a guess, that probably won't happen for at least another 2 weeks... if not much longer. Pre-Clomid my cycles would near 60 days at times. So I don't know.

But. That being said... I am going all natural from here on. (BTW, men... feel free to look back now.) I can't help but wonder if the Clomid was a contributing factor to my miscarriage. I've read that Clomid can thin the lining of the uterus. And, unlike some women I've talked to on message boards, I didn't have any "off" months in between treatments. So not only did the Clomid block the estrogen that plumps up the lining, I never had a month off to allow the lining to increase before taking another round of Clomid.

My head spins if I think about it too much.

At any rate. Instead of the drugs, I'm taking herbal supplements. I went to GNC and the very nice lady (who also has gone through infertility and various miscarriages and treatments) recommended I try FertilityBlend. The link takes you to the website that tells you all about the various ingredients and their effect on the body... and how they maximize fertility for women (and men... since they have a blend for men, too!).

The most important thing is just remain positive and calm. I'm going to (attempt to!) take it easy... and try and relax. I've been so go-go-go about everything for so many months (almost a year) that I feel like my life has been almost put on hold. I'm not really saying this is a bad thing, but it's a stressful thing... and I need to remove that stress so I can return my body to a state of normalcy. I can't keep abusing my mind and body and expect it to work properly for me. I KNOW it knows how to make a beautiful baby... I see my daughter prove that every day. I just have to trust that it will do that again soon... but I have to show it some respect, too. And that is my only New Year's Resolution for 2011.

I'm still here.

And still not pregnant.

I was laying low this last cycle because things were going smoothly. I almost didn't want to go into details because I was afraid I'd somehow jinx myself. But, since getting a new cycle this morning... I figure I'll explain now.

I up'd my dose to 100mg this last cycle after a non-responsive cycle on 50mgs of Clomid. I got a positive OPK almost like clockwork... and then confirmed that + OPK with CD 21 bloodwork... and progesterone levels of 14.7!

Then the waiting game was cruel this time around. I had cramping like I haven't had before... and was thinking it was implantation cramps. But, alas, nope. I've gotten - HPT's the last couple of days and now Aunt Flo this morning. So... yeah.

But I go into cycle #8 feeling a little bit more confident. I know the 100mg works... and that I'll more than likely ovulate again on it. So I feel like we're actually standing a chance.

Now I just take my Clomid days 3-7... and wait.

Round 2.

I just took my last 100 mg dose of Clomid Round #2. Now, in a few days, I begin my OPK adventures and hope to see 2 dark lines before CD 21's blood work. Here's to positive thinking!!

Hi from CD 4.

Good morning.

Sitting here on the couch after being on the front porch all morning... indulging in a little cafe mocha... and reading. It's perfect weather outside--hoodie weather! It was really relaxing to sit out there and listen to the birds chirp in the trees while swinging. The only thing missing is a hammock. :) But, if I had one of those, I'd probably quit my job.

Last night was the first night of Clomid round #2. Instead of the 50 mg I took with the first round, I took 100 mg last night. I also took it with a Bupap... which really seemed to help with the headaches I had with the first round. I'm really, really, REALLY hoping I don't suffer from the moody-depression-hopelessness I had last month with Clomid. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the rumor of "less side effects with the 100 mg" is true.

I'm not using my monitor this month. I decided it wasn't worth the high cost of the sticks. Sure, it's nice to see that peak reading... but, you know, seeing as how we're doing the OPK's and CD 21 blood work to confirm ovulation, I just can't see tossing out another $50 on test sticks. So this month, we're just using OPK's and temping to try and pin-point ovulation.

So now until CD 21, I just stick with the Clomid schedule... and keep hopeful.

CD 21 :(

I got crosshairs this morning on my chart. According to it... I ovulated a couple of days ago.

I also had my blood drawn this morning for my serum progesterone test.

According to it... I didn't.

My level came back at 0.7.

So, broken-hearted, I went to my message boards to cry on the shoulder of fellow TTC'ers.

The general question that came up was, "Why did they test your levels so soon after ovulation?" Seems that most/all other girls have their levels checked around 7DPO or later. Me, just being 1-3 DPO today, my levels wouldn't be high at all... and would look like I hadn't O'd at all. They were all like, "Ask to re-test in a few days." And, "Don't rule out ovulation yet!"

So, my hope was basically shattered until they were all telling me that it's still very possible that I did actually ovulate. Esp. considering I had a temp. shift... and a positive OPK.

So, here's to BABY DUST and crossed fingers (and toes!) that I am pregnant this cycle.

Please let me be pregnant this cycle. I don't think I can handle 100mg of Clomid next cycle.

Day after my doctor's appointment.

So yesterday I had my annual appointment. Nothing terribly exciting... unless you count sitting in the waiting room from 11:45am (my appt. was at noon) until 1:55pm... and then being the last person they call back for the day only to spend less than 15 minutes in the actual exam room (including exam time). Yeah, that was pretty unrighteous.

At any rate... when she (Libby) was doing my pap, she said that I seemed to have quite a bit of fertile CM (cervical mucous). So she said that was a good thing since ovulation usually occurs around that time... and that fertilization needs good quality CM to happen.

But I don't know... I'm not so sure about this whole ovulation thing now. I'm still only testing "high" on the CBEFM... and my OPK's were starting to get darker a couple of days ago... but now are practically as negative as they are before I even dip them in the pee. I'm wondering if I haven't already ovulated...? And maybe just missed it...? The monitor gave me a peak reading last month... but I sorta kinda screwed up what it thought it knew about me by adding Clomid to the mix this month... so we might be back to square one with it having to figure out my cycle all over again. The first month I got a bunch of highs with no peak, too.

I don't know. I know it's still early in the cycle... only CD 17 today. And I know a lot of people ovulate later than that while on Clomid. So I know it's still a good possibility so long as we stick to the every other day thing. But it's just frustrating and confusing trying to figure this all out and make some sense of it.

I had a dream last night that I gave birth to a little red-headed baby we named Alba. It was all so perfect. And she felt perfect in my arms. And smelled perfect. The entire dream just felt right... even though we hadn't told anyone we were pregnant yet and it was going to be a huge shocker to the entire family. But the "rightness" of how it felt has left me feeling a bit empty today when I woke up to find it was only a dream.

*le sigh*

Anyways. Off to a Baby Expo today... hoping to find lots of freebies to cheer me up. :)

CD 10 (AKA: CD 9)

Good afternoon to you. I shake you firmly by the hand.

So my monitor requested a test strip this morning... which I knew it would since it's CD 10 (or CD 9 according to it).

I wasn't expecting to see anything different... just the same ol' low reading I've been getting so far without a test stick inserted. But. I was wrong. To my surprise, I got a high reading.

Now, if you've been following along, you'll realize that it's really out of the ordinary for me to be getting a high reading this early in the game (even for the month the monitor was still "getting to know me"). CD 17 is the earliest I've ever gotten a high reading so far. So I'm feeling pretty darn good that the Clomid is actually doing what it's suppose to be doing... which is getting my O-Day here sooner... and, hopefully, get my follicles bigger... which, in turn, will have a better ovulation/egg.

And.. since today is CD 10 on CST (Clomid Standard Time)... the festivities begin tonight. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Keep those fingers (and toes!) crossed that this month is it!

CD 9... 2 days after Clomid.

So my ovaries didn't explode... but, lemme tell you... Clomid is making me insane.

I've had a headache on the right side of my head for 3 days. I've been very irritable. Snappy. Overheated. Irritable. Headaches. Irritable. Headaches.

Did I mention irritable?

And now I'm sick... thanks to the husband. He gave me his cold he had earlier in the week. So now I'm running a fever... and feel like my head's going to explode.

I took an OPK this morning... and it was very negative. And tomorrow my monitor will start requesting test strips again. So now I just wait and hope with all my might that I get pregnant this cycle. I really don't want to go through this again next cycle... that is assuming I do ovulate with 50 mg of Clomid. If not, we up it... which scares me because if I'm feeling this way with 50 mg, I can't imagine what I'll feel like on 100 mg.

*sigh*

So yeah. Off to be sickly on the couch.

1 down, 4 to go

Well. I took my first tablet of Clomid last night at 10pm. I was afraid it would make me sick or crazy or my ovary explode... but, nope. Nothing. I felt fine, aside from nerves, and feel fine this morning.

So yay! I really hope this is my month.

Onward Clomid soldiers!

Hi from CD 2. I tried to make a post via iPhone yesterday, but (for whatever reason) it wouldn't let me. So, here I am on day 2.

As I somewhat expected, Aunt Flo arrived yesterday. I had some spotting late Wednesday night... very very light spotting... almost wasn't sure if it was spotting. But, it apparently was. Because by the time I had gotten to work yesterday morning, I was cramping pretty badly... and had fully started the next cycle by 10am.

Pretty depressing, yeah... since "the stars aligned" for the last cycle... and I felt pretty good about it all. But, after meeting with Libby and finding out that I might not have even really released an egg, it didn't sting as badly as past cycles have.

So I start my first round of Clomid tomorrow with CD 3. I'm a bit nervous about the potential side effects... ranging from the small moodiness and sore boobies to the big ones like the enlarged ovaries and cysts. I'm just putting faith in the bigger percentage of people that have no side effects at all. Guess we'll find out tomorrow night/Sunday morning.

Okay. Off to work.

Doc Appt. Update

Okay. So. I saw the Dr. today. Well, sorta. I saw the CNMW today, too. She did most of the counseling and the actual Dr. just kinda stuck his head in last minute to clarify a few things and answer a question I had forgotten to ask Libby, the midwife.

After going over my cycles and everything, she said that she thinks that I do ovulate... just late and kinda sporadic. She said it's hard to tell if an egg is actually released or not... because sometimes the OPK and such will be positive but no egg was actually released. The only way to know for sure is to do blood tests... and in order to draw blood when they need to, I need to ovulate regularly and have regular cycles.

So... you guessed it. Clomid.

I begin my first round with CD 3 of my nexy cycle... which, if I'm not pregnant right now, will be sometime mid-next week. (I took a HPT this morning and got a negative... which, I know it's still very possible to be pregnant since 11 DPO is still early in the game. So I'm still holding out hope that I'll get a positive HPT in the next couple of days and not need the Clomid. Admittedly, the side effects scare me if I think about them or analyze them too much.)

So my Clomid schedule looks like this:

CD 3 - 7: Clomid

CD's 10, 12, 14, 16 & 18: Sexin' it up!

CD 21: Blood Test (to see if I did actually ovulate)

Then at the bottom of my schedule it says:

If a period occurs at the end of the cycle then call the office for a refill to begin the next cycle (assuming the blood test reveals ovulation did occur). If period does not occur then call the office to arrange a blood pregnancy test.

Both Libby and Dr. F said that if I do ovulate with the 50mg they'll keep me at that for a couple/few months. However, if I don't ovulate on the 50mg that they'll up the dose to 100mg. If I ovulate with the 100mg, they'll keep me at that... if not, she said they typically refer the patient onto a fertility specialist to figure out why ovulation is not occuring with the 100mg dose. Neither Libby nor Dr. F like to go above the 100mg dose, apparently... and that's A-Ok with me as I've read some bad things about going above that dosage.

So.

That's that. I'll know more about where I'm headed in a few days. Stay tuned.