Happy New Year!

And baby dust to all who need it to make 2011 your (and my!) year!

Taking a rest.

Hi.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days. Most of it brings tears to my eyes... but some of it gives me hope.

From all that thinking I've decided it's probably best for everyone involved (and could potentially become involved - ie: baby) that I take this month/cycle off to allow my body (and mind) time to heal and recover from the loss. I assumed the bleeding was done when I stopped from the first batch of bleeding that started the day I found out I was pregnant. But, for the last 4 days, I've been spotting more. It actually leans more toward "light flow" than "spotting"... and, men look away now, has bits of crimson red in it. I am guessing this is my body shedding whatever is/was left in my uterus. With all that happening, I have no clue what actual cycle day I am on. I mean, I couldn't begin to guess. So, that's another reason I "rest" this cycle and just wait for the reset from Aunt Flo. At least that way I'll know where I stand. And, if I had to even stab at a guess, that probably won't happen for at least another 2 weeks... if not much longer. Pre-Clomid my cycles would near 60 days at times. So I don't know.

But. That being said... I am going all natural from here on. (BTW, men... feel free to look back now.) I can't help but wonder if the Clomid was a contributing factor to my miscarriage. I've read that Clomid can thin the lining of the uterus. And, unlike some women I've talked to on message boards, I didn't have any "off" months in between treatments. So not only did the Clomid block the estrogen that plumps up the lining, I never had a month off to allow the lining to increase before taking another round of Clomid.

My head spins if I think about it too much.

At any rate. Instead of the drugs, I'm taking herbal supplements. I went to GNC and the very nice lady (who also has gone through infertility and various miscarriages and treatments) recommended I try FertilityBlend. The link takes you to the website that tells you all about the various ingredients and their effect on the body... and how they maximize fertility for women (and men... since they have a blend for men, too!).

The most important thing is just remain positive and calm. I'm going to (attempt to!) take it easy... and try and relax. I've been so go-go-go about everything for so many months (almost a year) that I feel like my life has been almost put on hold. I'm not really saying this is a bad thing, but it's a stressful thing... and I need to remove that stress so I can return my body to a state of normalcy. I can't keep abusing my mind and body and expect it to work properly for me. I KNOW it knows how to make a beautiful baby... I see my daughter prove that every day. I just have to trust that it will do that again soon... but I have to show it some respect, too. And that is my only New Year's Resolution for 2011.

"No foot is so small...

... that it cannot leave an imprint on this earth."

Merry (belated) Christmas!

I had been wishing for a Christmas miracle before finding out the results of my last bloodwork. I had been spending almost every moment of my days in praying and hoping that everything would be okay... but when finding out everything wouldn't be okay, I then switched my thoughts to "How am I going to get through this?"

Losing a baby, even one that I only knew about for a few days, is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I've lost a parent... I've lost a grandmother that practically raised me... and, yes, all of that was so incredibly hard and painful. But to have a miscarriage... no words can explain that. I felt like, somehow, it was my fault... that I could have changed it somehow... that somehow... I could save that little tiny person inside me. I knew it wasn't my fault and that if it was going to happen that there was no real way to prevent it. I've read article after article about why these things happen, so I realize and accept it was nature's way of preventing something potentially awful from happening. And, if I have to find something positive in it, it was better that it happen very early than in my 2nd or 3rd trimester... or, even worse, once the baby was born. As hard as losing a pregnancy was... I cannot even begin to fathom the pain of losing a newborn. My heart breaks for women who have had to go through that nightmare.

But now... I realize I did get a Christmas miracle of sorts. Though my pregnancy ended before it barely began, I am not shattered as I feared I would be. I will remain strong... I will not give up hope that I will have a baby to hold in my arms soon... and watch grow into a beautiful person just like my 6 year old daughter, SJ. But, if it's not meant for me to be a mommy to anyone other than SJ, than that's ok, too. She's the light of my life... and I couldn't be happier with her than I am. Her and the Husband are my reasons for getting out of bed each morning.

So here's to a New Year around the corner... and a 2011 rainbow baby!

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain... there would be no rainbow." - Gilbert K. Chesterton